Let me tell you a story and see if you can relate. There was a girl who had a nice relationship with someone. She had her friends and an active social life. She was happy with her calm and relaxed lifestyle. After a few months, this balance started to swift as you started to spot the first signs your boyfriend was controlling. You started to lose your friends and he gave you a false dilemma: it’s you or them. My friends were always telling me that this guy is not for me as he is too controlling. He found out and got really mad, started yelling at me and demanded that I stop seeing my friends as they are getting between us. We had a massive fight and he since then, he has become a control freak who wants to control every aspect of my life. He even shut down my Facebook account because it was a means of communication with my friends. I feel completely lost. I’m not doing anything wrong. I love him and I love my friends. I can’t choose. What can I do?
The answer is really simple. You have to love and respect yourself. You have to remember that your partner’s role is not to be controlling and defining your boundaries. In this type of relationship, it’s clear that you cannot be yourself unless you are obeying his orders. That’s a clear sign of low self respect and you shouldn’t let that carry on. Your boyfriend cannot decide who you can talk to and who you can message on Facebook for the simple reason that he doesn’t own you. You have to respect yourself and your own needs and wants. You must let your character out of the closet, and stop hiding because he asked you to be left in isolation. A controlling boyfriend is an archetype that is so dated as well as psychological war. I can’t tell you whether to break up or not, you have to make decide for yourself. The only thing we are going to ask is, are you willing to be a puppet on someone else hands?
Alright, before you end up in this nasty situation, we can help you identify 10 signs your boyfriend is controlling and dump him before your relationship goes completely crazy.
10 Signs your Boyfriend is Controlling
1. He attaches to you very fast. The early days of your relationship are always fantastic. He treats you nice and with deep respect. He does all the right things, says the right words. He pays close attention to everything that has to do with you. He makes it too easy for you to fall for him. You start thinking “aah, finally a man who can really understand me and respect me for who I am”. He opens up his heart and tells you how much he loves you from the first week/month. You can’t help but feel the same way, because you are lost in his arms and feel comfortable and cozy. One of the most clear signs your boyfriend is controlling is when his feelings develop too fast rather than take things one step at the time. Love especially is built over a longer period of time. Be ware that his intentions might be good in the beginning, but he might change in the not so distant future.
2. He asks you to change. During your “honey moon” phase, your controlling boyfriend will start asking you to change little things like your hairstyle, the way you dress, the way you eat your spaghetti, the movies you like, the places you love to hang out. Step by step, he is trying to control every single aspect of your life by asking you nicely. You might not thing it’s a big deal to watch an action movie with him as he has been so kind when he was proposing to spend the Saturday night watching “Star Trek”. But hold on, make a step back and ask yourself. Do I really want to change anything on my lifestyle? Relationships are all about making compromises, but when your partner starts to TELL you what you need to change, then it’s a sure sign he is controlling and you need to get out of there fast while you still can.
3. You lose contact with your friends. As mentioned in the story above, one of the major signs your boyfriend is controlling is when you start wondering where is everyone. You were such a social person, with dozens of friends and open to a million different night out opportunities. Now your phone is barely ringing and when it does, it’s probably your mom asking if you are alright. A controlling boyfriend makes sure that you don’t see your friends too often as in most cases they advise you that this relationship is kind of weird and you should be careful. Controlling men don’t like competition, especially when it comes from other women that take sides. Don’t fall into the trap of either them or me. It’s not a good place to be.
4. You quit all your hobbies. You were such an adventurous person, always into something. Mondays Pilates, Tuesdays gym, Wednesdays cycling, Thursdays girls night out, Friday always free for whatever is happening right now. Weekends on a plane and off to somewhere new, always on the move. One year later, you find yourself not doing any of these hobbies because your partner is always complaining that he doesn’t see you enough. One of the most subtle signs your boyfriend is controlling is when he is actually using the “more quality time” argument to isolate you from your good old self. If you want to run the marathon and need to start training and he gives you a look like “hell no”, then it’s probably the best time to start running. Away from him.
5. He is a confidence killer. During the early days, men always give amazing compliments to ladies. Oh my God you are so beautiful today. I’ve never met anyone that sexy before. I could stare your pretty face all day long. Cute quotes like that are always welcome and can make your day. The real test is if he will keep saying these super nice sayings after 6 months, or will he turn into that guy who doesn’t appreciate what he has? Physical signs your boyfriend is controlling include bed time with him when making love is just a routine rather than something exciting. It’s not only the frequency (you may have a long distance relationship and not being able to do it all the time, but you can be crazy in love). It’s the love and affection you feel when you are with him. If he starts making “funny” comments about your looks and then says “hey I was just kidding”, don’t believe him. If he doesn’t have faith in your skills and doesn’t fully support your dream to become an actress, don’t settle with someone who is constantly killing your confidence. He is just another trick to control your life and make you do what he thinks is best for you. Trust me, it’s not.
6. He’s hot n cold. You know, like that Katty Perry video clip with the guy who drove her nuts by being such an amazing partner on one day, and such an asshole the next day. The last thing you need is a relationship with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. If you are miserable because you’re not happy with your relationship and all out of sudden, he becomes this perfect husband-material kind man who is definitely a keeper be ware that this is another sign your boyfriend is controlling. Some women think that they need to try harder to keep the relationship alive but no matter how much they try they always fail. Why? Because the controlling behavior of their boyfriends is always asking for more and more. It’s only a matter of time before you break down and can’t keep up any more. Why bother?
7. He hits you. It can’t get more direct than that. If he ever put his dirty hands on you, then you don’t need any other sign your boyfriend is controlling. He uses violence to force you do things you would never do, and that’s just cruel. You need to be absolutely honest with yourself here. Look at the mirror and ask yourself. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a crazy freak who hits you and terrorize you because he thinks you are some kind of slave that can be controlled? You are not his servant, you don’t belong to him, you are not his property, you are free to go girl. Don’t let him make you think that he is the only one that can take care of you and there is no life away from him. You deserve better and I’m sure you can find the right person to live a happy life in a balanced relationship. Physical abuse is the most clear sign your boyfriend is controlling, end of story.
8. You are crazy. Is that a line you hear a lot lately from him? Does he use this quote to make you feel uncomfortable? Does he want you to believe that your thoughts are a bit off and you should rather listen to him because he knows what’s best for you? All these are undeniable sings your boyfriend is controlling since he wants you to believe that you are paranoid and only he can save you. That’s a sick relationship of a victim-savior that can be damaging in the long run.
9. You are defending him. You finally found some time to sneak out and have a drink with your girlfriends. Then before you know it, you open up and tell them what the hell is going on with you and your controlling boyfriend. Of course they act like they haven’t noticed because they don’t want to rub it in your face and say “I told you”. They offer the only sensible piece of advice that anyone would give. Break up with this guy today! And then you start to find excuses that you didn’t mean all that stuff you just said, you just had a bad day and you are actually so much in love with him because he is a great guy and don’t want to lose him. If you are subconscious defending him, it’s because your partner has done such a great mind game to manipulate your way of thinking to believe that he is the only one for you. It’s one of the most dangerous signs your boyfriend is controlling your mind and you need to quickly identify that he has changed you in ways you never thought it was possible. And we don’t mean that as a compliment.
10. He’s always checking up on you. You visited your parents and he texted you three times already, or you are out of town for a business trip and he keeps calling you. What else do you need as evidence that your boyfriend is controlling every aspect of your life? You can’t even breathe without him knowing. He’s a total control freak and you can’t ignore it by saying “aaw, how cute, he is always thinking about me”. There is a huge difference between being considerate and controlling. You should know better.
Have you identified any of these 10 signs your boyfriend is controlling? Do you notice any of these signs in his behavior? Have an open mind and don’t let love cloud your judging. Love is all about forgiving, true. But it’s not about being a victim. You should always be free to choose, that’s what makes us human beings. Don’t let any man take that away from you, no matter how handsome, cute, clever or rich he might be. And be extra cautious with the last type, because rich men can be the most controlling boyfriends of all. It’s in their nature!